my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
