I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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