mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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