Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
