last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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