I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
