I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
