this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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