Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
