Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
