they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
