Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
