I didn't shave. On purpose
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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