Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
