for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
