He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
