I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
