my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
