Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
