After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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