How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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