Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
