Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
