I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
