I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
