Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
