you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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