Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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