she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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