If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
