My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
