Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
