I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
