There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
