I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
