My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
