i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
