I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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