I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
