ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
