brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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