Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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