can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
