Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
