I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
