Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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