I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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