apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
