haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
