I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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